How I Decide on a Facebook Status

WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? (Sound of Becca typing...)

"Planted potatoe."

(5 seconds later. "Darn it. Type-O." Delete.)

"Planted potatoes."

(5 seconds later. "I should add the apostrophe or something to acknowledge the implied "I." Delete.)

" 'Planted potatoes."

(5 seconds later. "That looks noncommittal. I am not ashamed of being a potato planter."

"I planted potatoes."

(5 seconds later. "That looks narcissistic. Am I the only person who has planted potatoes today? No." Delete.)

"We planted potatoes."

(5 seconds later. "No, WE didn't; because actually, I haven't started yet. However, I'm going to start planting potatoes as soon as I decide how this dumb status should be worded." Delete.)

"Today is the day for planting potatoes."

(5 seconds later. "Someone is going to think I'm planting white potatoes. My potatoes are not white, they are red. The glycemic index on red potatoes is better." Delete.)

"Today is the day for planting red potatoes."

(5 seconds later. "I have friends who want to learn how to garden. They will read this and think you can plant whole potatoes. They will fail, and never try to garden again, and it will be my fault." Delete.)

"My carefully-divided red seed potatoes have been drying for two days on cardboard pizza trays that I found free at Sam's. This will prevent rot as they develop roots and leaves. They are now ready to plant, and I will begin to do that in a few minutes."

(5 seconds later. "Now that is just cerebral, and stupid, and I am a nerd, and I hate myself." Delete.)

"red potatoes. earth. hope."

(5 seconds later. "Nice. The status equivalent of a Dollar Store plastic e.e. cummings Halloween mask. Becca, you are forty now. Use complete sentences. Use capital letters." Delete. Ask a question.)

"Has anyone planted potatoes yet?"

(5 seconds later. "Someone is going to think I'm being competitive. People are so competitive. Why is everyone competitive? I don't want to threaten people and make them hate themselves just because I planted my blasted potatoes. What if someone just had back surgery and can't plant potatoes? What if they can't eat gluten? Do potatoes have gluten? What if this status causes them angst, or envy, or discontent? Delete.)

"Today I have horrible acne, and I am bloated. I have a crooked nose, and my feet are too big. Also, I might plant potatoes, if being forty and firmly established on the downhill backside of my aesthetic prime will allow me to work the land like the lower-middle class middle-aged woman I am."

(5 seconds later. "I forgot to talk about how the potatoes were beautiful. The potatoes are beautiful, all purply-red potato pieces and orange Tennessee clay. The people should know how beautiful that is. I should write a poem about the potatoes. I bet they are a symbol for something. Delete.)

"The potatoes yearn for the earth. They have come to know death. They will rise again..."